David G. Smith’s Blog

RESUMÉ

2008-11-01T12:00:00.017-04:00

DAVID G. SMITH

CARING:

» OVERNIGHT GROCERY STOCK CLERK: Wegmans ['09-Present]
Part-time night crew. Enjoying being on a Fortune “100 Best...” team at Wegmans Store #04, Fairport Road.

» GROCERY STOCK CLERK: Tops Markets ['05- '08]
Part-time weekend days (plus occasional nights) at Tops Store # 417, Panorama Plaza; lots of friendly interaction! “Employee of the Month” for over a year.

» “MR. MOM” ['99-Present]
First daycare, now after-school care provider for our two kids, from newborn through grade school.

CREATIVE:

» GRAPHICS / PHOTO / AUTHORING TALENT ['01-'04]
Created fundraiser ads, posters, promotional DVD, newsletter content, etc. for local Montessori School.

» PHOTO EDITOR -- “HazMat Review” ['01-'04]
Enhanced & optimized photos for publication in esteemed small press literary magazine.

» INSTRUCTOR -- “Intro to Writing” ['01]
Taught how to write more and better in any field or genera, at a local non-profit writing center.

» AUTHOR -- “JVOX” ['93]
Demoed voice-driven programming in J. Explored verbal interface issues. Published in 1993 ACM/IEEE SIGAPL Proceedings, as lead author.

CAPABLE:

» OCCASIONAL FREELANCE CONSULTING ['99-'03]
Software marketing strategy support, GUI analysis and feedback, pre-alpha testing, etc. Separately, designed logo family for financial-markets data analysis software products; overhead slides & script for product launch. Tradeshow layout, staff action planning, overhead slides, scripts, and screen-saver design.

» SENIOR INSTRUCTIONAL DESIGNER / INDEPENDENT CONSULTANT ['90-'98]
Instructional design and training development services, mainly to Eastman Kodak Company. Performed front-end analysis, proposal writing, detail task analysis, designed specifications, and guided development and delivery of top-quality training programs dealing with consumables, hardware, computers, and quality initiatives.

» PRODUCT MANAGER: EMAIL ['90]
Rescued international team developing PC-based electronic mail product. Resolved personnel and morale problems. Brought focus to practical issues of requirements analysis, functional specs, graphical user interface design, documentation, packaging, and test procedures. Served two product manager functions concurrently. Proposed elimination of my own position.

» PRODUCT MANAGER: SAX (SHARP APL under UNIX) ['88-'90]
Protected customer goodwill and corporate assets during ramp-down of unprofitable product line. Negotiated contracts and built up VAR/OEM relations. Balanced austerity with ongoing marketing and customer support. Rationalized administration to give senior management accurate reports. Helped defend market position by answering legal interrogatories in trade-mark challenge and arbitration cases.

» ACCOUNT MANAGER: SHARP APL under MVS ['86-'88]
Twice doubled revenues from annual software license-fees. Negotiated “win-win” agreements worth millions with Morgan Stanley, a major Wall Street investment banking firm, growing account to become single largest customer. Other Fortune-500 clients included CitiBank, Upjohn and Kodak, as well as Southwest Airlines and others.

» INSTRUCTIONAL DESIGNER / INDEPENDENT CONSULTANT ['85]
Provided instructional design and development services to Eastman Kodak’s Graphics Imaging Systems Division at Kodak’s Marketing Education Center.

» TRAINING DESIGNER / INSTRUCTOR / AUTHOR / APL PROGRAMMER ['77-'85]
Taught APL programming and trained instructors in the U.S., Canada, and U.K. Authored, illustrated, and contributed to reference manuals, promotional, training and other materials. Participated in all aspects of software engineering as team member and team leader, including software maintenance, conversions, systems analysis, systems design and specification, program construction and systems integration, evaluation and testing, and packaging and delivery.

» SIGN-LANGUAGE INTERPRETER FOR DEAF PEOPLE ['73-'77]
Simultaneous word-for-word translation of college lectures, meetings, etc. between spoken and “signed” English, for the benefit of deaf students, faculty and staff. Twice voted “Best Interpreter” by student body. First recipient of RIT/NTID administration’s annual “Frisina Award” for personal contributions to the advancement of deaf students.

StockClerk Dave?

2008-10-30T12:00:00.005-04:00

A lot of people pay money and go to the gym for exercise. Instead, I went to the supermarket, and they paid me! My part-time exercise program "disguised" as a stock clerk for a large regional grocery store chain never amounted to much else, but it was sure a lot of fun! I especially enjoyed the continual interaction with people of all sorts.

Along the way I noticed there were a lot of grocery store terms that nobody, so far as I know, had ever documented.

Well, documenting is in my blood. Thus, just for fun, the Stock Clerk Glossary was born! Take a peek: StockClerk-glossary-b.blogspot.com.

Along the way, I learned how to use a LOT of HTML, CSS, and, well, pure determination to coax Blogger into a tabbed glossary format. That experience later paid off, allowing me to seamlessly bolt a Blogger blog onto a customer's website while retaining that other site's look and feel. (See, "And this just in,..." below).

Mager/CRI Certified

2008-10-27T12:00:00.000-04:00

For years as a professional Instructional Designer I had Eastman Kodak Company as key client. Then, one day Kodak decided to weed out any training consultants that weren't certified by then-top-ID-guru Robert F. Mager.

Now, my credentials are generally of the "proven, can-do, satisfaction guaranteed" variety. But, no problem. I simply enrolled in an evening Graduate Studies course at the Rochester Institute of Technology. There, even though I already knew of, read, admired and routinely put into practice lots Mager-wisdom, I had a great time. Especially with the "reflexive" aspect of the course. That is, it self-referentially used the principles of Criterion-Referenced Instruction to teach CRI itself. Fun, fun, fun! One principle I like most is that students can know for sure whether or not they really "got it."

And so, badda-bing... a few short weeks later I showed Kodak the paper they wanted to see.

Of course, my original certificate has a nice, shiny gold seal. Let's hope this photocopy suffices until I can put my hands on it. Creating gold in Photoshop is no trouble, but integrity is of higher value.

There are some things you just can't fake; while others you can, but shouldn't.

Teach SPC - Backwards!

2008-10-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's true! It’s sometimes best to tackle whatever's "hardest" first, and leave easier things for last.

Instructional Designers call this a "regressive" learning model, and for teaching SPC, or Statistical Process Control, it's a perfect fit. That's because to work best, training should go beyond subject matter, and also take into account the state of the participants themselves.

Just consider: why are the most complicated things usually taught at the very end of a course, when people are tired, brains are full, and everyone’s thinking of home? The answer is more often "it's traditional" than "it's truly necessary."

Back at the beginning of a course is when everyone is most rested, most interested, and most ready to learn. So, don't waste their precious attention on minutia. Hit the deck running! Throw 'em in at the deep end! In SPC terms, that means ramp up fast, and do X-bar and R Control Charts right away. Follow up with a genuinely necessary (and easier) prerequisite: Histograms. And then, wham-o! The biggie: Process Capability!

Crazy? Nope. Not if you prepare.

"Hard" First, "Easy" for Dessert

Here’s the whole better, "backwards" flow:

Control Charts
Histograms
Process Capability
Run Charts
Brainstorming
Flow Charts
Cause-and-Effect Diagrams
Scatter Diagrams
Pareto Charts

It’s an ambitious agenda, yes. But Day One ends with a Run Charts snack, and everyone happy and sated.

Day Two begins with Brainstorming (easy), and is intended to be a total breeze. Everyone’s supposed to relax and have fun (translation: “learn better!”). And who wouldn't, since all of the tough stuff is already behind them!

Got Trailguide?

None of this works, of course, unless each person gets a complete, step-by-step trailguide -- a course workbook chock full of explanations and examples that are 100% relevant to their work back on the job. It’s got to all be about what they reach out and touch on a daily basis. For manufacturers, maybe it really is about the usual nuts and bolts found in most SPC texts. However, for printers, it’s got to be about printing. For florists, flowers. And so on. Because, if training is to succeed, it has to matter personally -- to them!

Exercises should thus involve tools and take-aways they'll use later. Like terse visual glossaries (see middle column, illustration), fill-in the blank forms, “cheat sheets,” or other job aids. But, whoa! Don’t back up a truck! Keep everything lean and mean. Focus on a minimal solution that yields the maximum desired effect.

Good Instructional Design will smooth out the bumpy spots, so folks can enjoy their ride. Plenty of little self-check exercises hone skills, and let each person prove to themselves, every step of the way, that “Hey, I actually ‘got it.’” These opportunities for practice during class, while expert coaching is still readily available, are extremely important. But, if you follow a strictly progressive learning model -- with its traditional crescendo of difficulty up to a Big Bang finish -- they don't even exist.

So, I tell ya' -- the regressive learning model -- ya just gotta love it. It's often a much better way. And I've seen enough course evaluations to prove it.

Finally, even the greatest course design is nothing without great content and great delivery. Special thanks to statistician Pete Bartell for his brilliant contributions as Subject Matter Specialist and lead instructor!

CRI Training for Desktop Color Proofers

2008-10-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

Both careers and fortunes may literally be at risk, so long before jobs ever go to press, everyone and his uncle wants to know, “How’s it going to look?”

Enter the “color proof.” It’s sole purpose is to confirm that all files, films, and you-name-it are 100% correct. The farther upstream in the process problems get caught and corrected, the better and cheaper it is for everyone. And better and cheaper are huge driving forces in the printing industry, same as everywhere else.

Enter the Digital Desktop Color Proofer, or DCP. If you imagine a large desktop color printer, but with far more accurate color, many more capabilities, and control options galore, you’ve got the general idea.

I got to design training for two of Eastman Kodak Company's early forays into the DCP arena. The second involved a third-party RIP, or raster image processing engine, that was even more complex than it was powerful. In short, it was a beast! Talk about your design challenge!

Admirable Bird's-Eye View?

Here's an overview of a my solution:

Front-end analysis revealed I could divide the program into three increments: Users, Queue Managers, and System Administrators. Users would take just the first stage, Queue Managers the first two, and System Administrators all three.

Each stage was divvied up into bite-sized modules. This yielded a highly hands-on, self-study, self-paced, lab for teams of participants. Teams were proctored by a Course Manager who could answer questions, provide hints, fix problems, and so on.

Participants followed maps like you see above, showing which course modules ought to be tackled in what order. Starting at the bottom arrows, they’d work upward along whatever connections they choose, so long as they didn't skip links to lower-down prerequisites.

For instance, if you’d just completed the blackened-in CIO module in the middle of the above picture, you'd be free to choose either the SIO or VPD module next. However, not MJQ, because MJQ depends on things you’d first need to learn in VPD. In such fashion, you’d eventually visit all relevant modules and complete the course.

Of course lots of worksheets, samples, guided exercises and opportunities for self-evaluating progress were provided. Nobody was hurried or deprived of a chance to explore possibilities or variations at their leisure. Likewise, nobody was held back if they made rapid progress.

This strategy works well because it shows participants all the bases they need to cover, and then gives them as much freedom as possible to enjoy their learning experience. Such freedom is a built-in characteristic of the CRI -- Criterion-Referenced Instruction -- methodology.

Naturally it's a lot of work to do all of the up-front detailed task analysis, development of sound instructional objectives and many other things required by this approach. However, the end result is a training program that you can prove genuinely delivers on all its promises. So it's certainly well worth it.

“And this just in...”

2008-10-24T18:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks to a wonderful client, I've recently had a great time doing a printed brochure and accompanying website update for Chateau Hair Designs. Here's a quick summary:

New BROCHURE

New WEBSITE

Revised, redesigned a new printed BROCHURE about services and prices, integrating look and feel elements from new storefront signage into a tri-fold layout
Revised, redesigned a new WEBSITE from legacy site materials to match printed brochure, including look and feel
Upgraded website HTML and CSS to full standards compliance*, including a footer link for live verification
Added CSS rollover effects to provide some additional details on selected items
Integrated a new BLOG at Blogger.com with the client's site, overriding Blogger elements and styles to preserve that same consistent look and feel
Enhanced photos to add "watermarks" where appropriate, and improve web appearance overall
Integrated a new Web GALLERY at Picasa.com with the client's new blog
Vetted additions and changes with multiple browsers, on multiple platforms
Provided a private, "shadow" site and blog to allow non-disruptive preparation and testing of future updates
Preserved legacy information by keeping the entire previous version of the site available on demand through a footer link

* Unfortunately, it's common practice for public hosting agency web servers to insert additional code, such as ads, which won't pass standards validation. Oh, well... At least we do our part!

Dentist's Logo

2008-10-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

The brand message here is "Top quality, warmth and caring." Usable either in color or monochrome, three-dimensional or flat, it's for stationary, uniform embroidery, jewelry, and so on.

With minimal address copy, it's also been run as a magazine ad.

I know, I know. As professionals, we're supposed to love all our "children" equally. Yet, for me, there's just something a little extra-special about this one.

The dentist being my wife surely has nothing to do with it.

Tee Party Poster

2008-10-23T12:00:00.000-04:00

Every year our kids’ Montessori school hosts a big golf fund-raiser. Naturally, I volunteered to do the poster.

Thanks to school administrator Lorraine Scarafile, I got a nice landscape photo of the Bristol Harbour golf course from Rick Stewart, a photographer local to that area. Hmmm... I mused. Nice brochure photo, but as a poster all by itself, both a little low-rez and a little low “zing."

What to do?

I pondered, then remembered Claes Oldenberg, the Swedish sculptor famous for -- Guess what? -- huge renditions of little things. Like a 45-foot steel clothespin that stands near Philadelphia's City Hall.

Okie-doke!

Lorraine gladly supplied me with a handful of their custom-printed golf tees. The toys I borrowed from my kids. I then used a digital camera to shoot each “giant-to-be” element in close-up on a sheet of white seamless paper in my driveway, giving care to match camera and sun angles to the landscape photo. After bringing them all together in Photoshop (faking that logo on my daughter's teapot was fun) -- voila! Giant rubber ducky, giant sand shovel, and a giant "Huzzah!"

I finished up the whole thing using Adobe Illustrator for poster text and page layout.

You like? Personally, I think Claes would approve.

Tee Party Carts

2008-10-22T12:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things don't work out like you expect. Like with the additional posters and ballot I made to support another aspect of the same Montessori golf fund-raiser.

School admin Lorraine's idea was to tie placards to the front of all the golf carts, and sell bragging rights. Okay. I love turning visions into reality, so off I went.

With permission, pro photographer Dawn Mamikunian provided tons of great kid pix to choose from. I used Adobe Photoshop for a consistent look, making 36 big posters, like the one you see at left. Adobe InDesign marshaled everything into a "Have a ball!" themed bulk-mail ballot (see front and back at right; click to enlarge) to encourage potential patrons to bid up the price of the posters in a silent auction.

Everything was ready to go. I even made a website preview gallery for folks to browse the ballot and scrutinize all of the individual posters at their leisure.

So what went "wrong?"

Well, a certain corporate sponsor caught wind of all this, took one look, and decided they liked everything so much they ponied up an irresistable lump-sum donation. They bought out everything!

Sometimes I wonder... Is there maybe such a thing as being a little too successful?

LPGA Ad

2008-10-21T12:00:00.000-04:00

The annual Wegmans-sponsored LPGA golf tournament at Locust Hill is a really big event around here, drawing huge crowds and international news coverage.

Wegmans kindly gifted the Montessori school with some ad space in their thick and nicely printed event Program, right. At left is the ad I made to fit the given space on page 84, once again based on an excellent photo by professional Dawn Mamikunian.

Calendar Covers

2008-10-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

For Writers and Books, a local non-profit literary center located in Rochester's blossoming "Art Walk" district, I created a stylized photo collage of their renovated building and landmark sculpture. How many giant #2 pencils are there, you ask? Well, this twenty-footer is actually a #740 Pencil, because that's their street address.

The collage graced the cover of one of their quarterly course catalogs, for which Carol Bassett did the cover design and layout.

The original is shown left, and as printed, right.

I did several more covers, but except for spot color, these were all printed in black and white:

TIP: especially in candid portraiture, if you're after what photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson called "The Decisive Moment" (and not too concerned about resolution or sharpness), you can opt to shoot with a video camera. Later, just grab your subjects' most expressive single frames. That's what I did to create the middle (blue mastheaded) calendar cover above.

Family Get-Together Poster

2008-10-19T12:00:00.000-04:00

Our church had a Fall afternoon "carnival" and invited families and friends, neighbors and strangers alike to a free gathering for fun and fellowship. There was lots to eat and drink, plus live music, games, and many other attractions.

Yet, as you can see from the poster (left; click to enlarge), the invitation was meant to be completely open-ended, and encompass much more than just that one event.

Birth of a Notion

Here's a little background about how this poster came into being...

Isn't it true that many people are somewhat puzzled about their spiritual life? Well, that idea led to some wordplay -- "Missing peace/piece" -- which in turn gave birth to a doodle (right). This sketch was then used to stimulate discussion and serve as conversational "flypaper" to help ensure the capture all necessary text.

Ah, but what picture should be on that puzzle? Combing through thousands of photos in the church archives provided just the right choice: a heart-warming hug at a baptism performed some years ago (middle right). If you look closely, you'll see that back then our pastor wore his hair a little bit longer under his baseball cap. So, I gave him a "trim" during retouching so it would be easier to recognize him as he is today.

I also got my wife and kids to agree to serve as the hand models for the foreground of the photo-collage.

I then scanned a blank puzzle, and traced it as vector art in Adobe Illustrator. A framed poster (bottom right) was likewise photographed and vectorized to make a dove logo that's easily manipulated.

These and other elements were then combined in Adobe Photoshop to produce a preliminary photographic "sketch" (bottom left), to verify all elements were acceptable, and to stimulate discussion about possible refinements. For instance, it was decided to keep the iconic dove logo pure white, rather that have it be colored as if it were a piece lifted straight out of the puzzle.

Notice, also, that in the preliminary version, several puzzle pieces have not yet been paired with matching portions of the baptism photo, and that the final version incorporated many other refinements in layout and typography to help make the most important facts -- "what," "when," and "where" -- stand out more clearly.

All in all, it was a fun and successful project, for which I was more than delighted to volunteer.

One final subtlety in the poster graphics: yes, there really is a missing piece!

Hazmat: Hut

2008-10-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

For several years I volunteered as Photo Editor for a small-press poetry magazine called the HazMat Literary Review -- HazMat for short. The name stands for "Hazardous Material," and bespeaks Editor-in-Chief Norm Davis' poetic proclivities.

What do Photo Editors do? Well, the short answer is they select photos and prepare them for publication. You know -- pick and choose editorially suitable images, collaborate with layout, crop, and then make sure color and tonal ranges match standard web-offset press capabilities -- that kind of thing.

One day while sifting through submissions, Gerald Wheeler's photo of a little greenhouse in Katy, Texas (right) caught my eye. A bit further back in my head, something about "People who live in glass houses..." began to rattle. Hmmm...

Since I knew Norm was a "stone thrower" as a matter of editorial policy, I contacted the photographer and got Gerry’s permission to “do whatever.” Then I took his original straightforward shot and transformed it via Adobe Photoshop into an explosive grayscale statement for the cover of HazMat volume 6, issue 2 (left).

Everybody liked the result. This cover was later featured in the writeup on HazMat printed in the 2005 edition of Poets Market.

Y'know -- there's just something about seeing the potential of an image and making it happen that really appeals to me.

Hazmat: Birthday Girl

2008-10-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

The usual lifespan of a small-press poetry magazine is about that of a popsicle at the beach on a hot summer’s say. They just don’t last. So, after ten years-plus, HazMat is an anomaly.

Editor Norm Davis’ secret of long life is that if he doesn’t have enough good stuff to publish, he doesn’t! And then again, even when he does, he’s not in any particular rush. Call it truth in labeling. HazMat's a “periodical,” right? So what did you expect?

Contributors and subscribers put up with this because the results are worth the wait. Yet, it also explains how, after a full decade, you only get a “5th Anniversary issue.” -- HazMat volume 5, issue 2. It's a joke, sort of.

In any case, at left is my cover. The original photo, right, was taken in 1947 by Mary Lou Scott, mother of young Janet, the girl with the cake, who was a childhood friend of the Editor.

Graphically, there are a few subtleties worth noting -- not just disappearing the wound on her forehead (bicycle injury) -- I also changed the name on the cake from "Janet" to "Hazmat," and the number of candles from three to five. Janet, still gorgeous and now a retiree, further insisted all her candles be well "lit."

How'd I do?

HazMat: Shaman

2008-10-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

As doubtless you've noticed by now, there's a definite tendency towards tilts and other weirdness in my HazMat cover art.

It's on purpose, of course.

Not just because it matches the edginess of the contents. It's because any cover displayed on a newsstand has two important jobs: first, to get the publication noticed, and second, to entice the customer to pick it up. The rest of the magazine only come into play once it's in hand.

Well, true fact: I used a small focus group to see which variant of the cover art worked best. You see only the winners here.

For instance, at left is the cover I did for HazMat volume 6, issue 1. The original photo, right, was taken by Kristy Swanson.

At first, Kristy -- who, by the way, is also HazMat's Art Editor -- was not especially fond of the twisted-bubble effect I chose for her "Shaman" cover. However, in a side-by-side comparison with other, more rectilinear versions, she herself had to agree: it was definitely a better attention grabber.

Case closed.

When you've really got a better way, it sometimes helps if you're able to prove it!

Hazmat's Monster Truck

2008-10-15T12:00:00.000-04:00

Here's Norm Davis, HazMat Literary Review's Editor-in-Chief, behind the wheel of a Monster Truck named "Hazardous Material!" Don't that beat all?

I found this jacked-up beauty hanging around Vesa's, a local auto body shop. Kristy Swanson snapped this particular pic, which I later doctored in Photoshop to put Norm inside the cab.

But, later on, Norm actually did get to take the wheel!

The owner of Vesa's, who also owned the truck, was all too happy to show it off. We set a date and the whole Hazmat staff got rides! Families and friends, too. Can you imagine our collective joy? Fun, fun, fun!

Ah, well... I suppose it's just as well these things aren't street legal.

Magnetic Attraction?

2008-10-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

Okay... Around here they had a thing last year where somehow you won free gas for a year if your car got spotted "wearing" a magnetic sticker from a Sunoco gas station. (See upper illustration, left.)

A LOT of people put them on their cars.

Well wouldn't you know it: long, long after the contest expired, those rear bumper magnets kept staring me in the face.

Some clever marketing scheme, eh? Folks will slap any old sticker on their car. So what if it promotes lusting after a year's free gas? Who wouldn't want that? And so what if there's only a snowflake's chance in Hell they'll actually get it? By comparison, I wondered, who drives around bearing witness to God's Son in Heaven, the one who's promised us life everlasting, and that completely free for the asking?

Yep. Something about that sticker really got to me. So, finally I succumbed to temptation and got one myself.

However, I didn't put it on my car.

Nope. Instead, I scanned it, traced it into vector art using Adobe Illustrator, and then messed with it to turn the downer logo design into an "upper." (See lower illustration, left.) That is, I flipped the yellow diamond and red arrow to point to the better way. Then, I changed "Sunoco" to read "Sun o(f) God," and also made "Official Fuel of NASCAR" say "Official Goal of THIS CAR."

Fun, fun, fun! Of course, I didn't win any free gas. But I sure did have one. Here's a little video of the two images changing places:

BEST EVER: Browser-Safe Color Palette

2008-10-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Not so much nowadays, but years ago web designers generally tried to stick to the 216 so-called "browser-safe" colors. The idea was to get color constancy across all computer/browser platforms.

Naming these "safe" colors involved a limited set of hexadecimal digits -- 3, 6, 9, C and F -- paired together to represent increasing intensities of Red, Green, and Blue on the monitor. For instance, to get pure red you could specify "#FF0000" in hex, or "RGB(255,0,0)" or even "Red" in English. However, for red with a touch more purple, there was no commonly agreed-upon color name, so you'd have to say, e.g., "#FF0033."

Many folks came up with more or less "logical" arrangements of these 216 browser- or "web safe" colors. Most of them annoying. What you wanted to see were all the related colors together in progression of hues, values and chromas. Light to dark, and from ROY G. to BIV, rainbow-wise, right?

I have no idea why, but to the best of my knowledge, nobody else has ever come up with the arrangement you see above. I created it for my own benefit a long time ago and over the years it's served me well. Mia culpa for not publishing it sooner, I suppose.

In any case, to create it, I began with the "hex" data values for all the colors. And -- go figure -- they all fell nicely into place on a hexagonal grid -- with a few exceptions. The finesse comes in dealing those few that don't. The outliers are clearly related to colors inside the "nice" area, and would also arrange nicely if only they could float into the third dimension. What soon becomes evident is that you're trying to present as a flat chart something that is actually a color ball. (Yes, yes, CIE and Munsell solids, blah, etc. blah.)

I've fiddled with it a lot, and it can't be easily done. Hence all those objectionable alternatives out there. However, the result above is -- IMHO -- the least annoying and most useful arrangement possible.

I suppose if enough requests come in, I could put up my Adobe Illustrator-based interactive version that lets you turn labels, grid-lines, and color groups, etc. on and off. I also have a pure CSS version that works fine in Firefox and Safari. But, since most of the world is under the standards-busting thumb of a certain Evil Empire, I didn't want to be bothered with complaints from the hopelessly benighted.

Golf 'n' Me

2008-10-12T12:00:00.001-04:00

The first time I ever golfed was back in the '60s, at the Silver Lakes golf course on Staten Island in New York City. My pals humbled me totally. To get even, I went to a driving range and learned how to really wallop 'em. Next time we teed up, I left a soapy ball mark on my driver's sweet spot and the ball sailed 300 yards. It came to rest just on the edge of the green, and I proceeded to drop it right in the hole--fifteen putts later!

Not long after that I dropped the sport altogether. Or so I thought. Little did I know that golf is a lot like Kuru or Scrapie. These slow-onset retroviruses won't manifest any symptoms at all for decades, and then WHAM!

A few years back a twenty-five-years-older me stood at the top of a cliff up in Nova Scotia, Canada, where the geography causes a 30-foot difference between high and low tides. Maybe you've heard of it: the Bay of Fundy.

Anyway, Fundy National Park has a lovely nine-hole golf course, where--like the famous Fundy tides--the path of a golf ball is greatly affected by the tug of the Moon.

This makes sense if you think about it. Just look. Golf balls and the Moon are both covered with lots and lots of shallow craters. Obviously, the Moon thinks golf balls are young planetoids, and wants to reach out and help.

I got a demonstration of this tidal influence at the very first tee. Minutes before, I'd walked into the clubhouse and rented a set of clubs. "I'm a little rusty," I said. "Sell me some balls that know the course." That got a smile from the gal behind the counter. And--call it a premonition--I purchased thirty-six "experienced" golf balls.

Now, out on the first tee, I placed my small sacrifice upon the tiny wooden peg, took up the ceremonial wand, and let fly.

So to speak. Glory be! Just like the old days, my club struck the ball with a most satisfying thwak! Yet this match-strike of satisfaction was promptly dowsed by the rip-sizzling sound of my ball mowing an inch-wide swath through the grass. Oops. A "worm-burner."

Double-Oops, in fact. Like I said, Fundy's first tee is atop a cliff that's a hundred feet high, if it's an inch. So, after scorching the grass like a runaway hair trimmer, my ball had pretty much spent its juice. There was little left for it to do but--with its last gasp of forward momentum--topple limply over the precipice.

With a mix of urgent curiosity and great caution, I dashed to the brink to see what had become of the thing. Needless to say, there was no sign of it on the rocks below. The corpse had vanished!

Thirty-five balls, and counting.

My next shot got airborne, but after bursting like flak it turned kamikaze and dove meteorically straight down to attack some passing twig in the stream far below, just beyond the base of the cliff. Apparently the current was either quite swift, or a passing tuna had snapped it up. I couldn't tell which. In any case, another ball was "history."

Two down; thirty-four still in my bag.

Maybe I should have left them there. I won't recount the many glorious episodes that followed. Let's just say that, like Ponce-de-Leon, I sampled many waters in my quest. Like T.H. Lawrence, I criss-crossed Saharas. Like Dan'l Boone, I blazed woodland trails. And like Ishmael, I alone survived to tell thee. Meaning that--thankfully--except for me and a few hysterically laughing deer, the course was empty.

After nine holes, I had only six very nervous golf balls to sell back to the fair maid at ye olde clubhouse counter. She accepted them with a twinkle in her eye, and asked "Well, at least did you have fun?"

And truth be known--I had.

So that was it. I was hooked. Sliced. You name it. Dormant no longer, golf had broken out in full force. Years' more practice followed, and on a good day I now play "bogey" golf.

So just last week while I was driving in Genesee County with a friend to the Le Roy Country Club, and--well, you see--I mean no disrespect--but upon finding the Calvary Baptist Church on Route 19 just north of town, I just had to pull over in absolute, total awe.

Image based on a photo by Sheila Cahill, 1998
Appeared in "The Wayne Weekly," September, 1998.

VROOM, VROOM VALENTINE!

2008-10-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

Ah, Valentine's Day. Most guys give their sweeties chocolates, flowers or candle-lit dinners. My wife, bless her heart, is secretly a barbarian princess--so this year we ended up trading smooches and happily yelling our brains out at the Thunder Nationals monster truck rally. Yee-ee-HAW!

Now, I'm no motorhead. To me, a clutch is what you do to your throat upon first tasting caviar. My wife, the epitome of refinement and civility, knows even less about camshafts and carburetors than I do. Yet, even a modestly jacked-up suspension or slightly oversized tires will turn her head. "Ooo, Look!" and "Honey, I want a truck," are phrases I've heard more than once. "With b-i-g wheels," she'll add. So, you see: in a way, it was her idea.

Thank goodness we took earplugs. The PA system in the Rochester War Memorial was cranked to the max. So was the capacity crowd--a sea of flannel, tattoos and baseball caps. At least half were kids, some throwing popcorn, others waving huge "#1" foam fingers. The hockey rink had no ice, but the protective glass was still up. Towards our end of the U-shaped arena lay a raft of tightly packed Cadillacs, Pontiacs and so on with all their glass removed, in two rows of five cars each. Sacrificial victims. Prey.

"In-tro-ducing..." Boomed the announcer, and the crowd drowned him out, only to be itself overwhelmed by the truly thunderous noise of the five Monster Truck participants.

These babies are BIG--starting with the tires: each five and a half feet high and just over three and a half feet wide. The announcer says they're also used by earth movers. I believe it. Deeply cut "V" treads wider than the span of my hand disappear in a blur as one by one these beauties dance forward from the far end of the rink. Shiny, beautifully painted custom fiberglass bodies seem to float above the whirling wheels on nimbly articulated cats-cradles of struts and shocks and tubular space frames, giving the helmeted drivers a clear view from as high up as the top of a basketball backboard. Undertaker. Rap Attack. Black Stallion 2000. Excalibur. War Wagon. Each nimbly rolls its front tires up onto the pile. It's quite a tableau. Five humongous hunters, poised as if leaning casually on one knee atop the carcasses of these old clunkers. After a brief pause, all dismount and pull back to the far end of the rink. We've had our glimpse. Now, it's time for some comic relief.

The drivers reappear in a set of mini NASCAR racers, squat little squares about the size of Lay-Z-Boy recliners. They do laps and somebody wins, but nobody cares who.

Then, out pops a guy riding on--get this--a jet powered bar stool. A war surplus afterburner about the size of your backyard barbecue's propane tank nestles between the legs of this highchair on wheels. A two-second burn worthy of the space shuttle sends him scuttling around the rink. Every kid in the place is howling with delight. Me too.

More howls as the Monsters make donuts--burning rubber in tight 360-degree turns at high speed. Will they flip over? Not quite. But does the announcer blanche as 5 tons of truck spins rapidly straight at him? I notice the first four rows on that side of the arena are empty, roped off with yellow tape. Tested before each run, there are three ways to kill the engine on these big boys, one of which is by a remote control in the hands of the official. Still, "F=ma." Accidents could happen. But not tonight.

Next is the Green Monster, a jet-powered motorcycle with a roaring funnel of flame so fierce you can feel it hot on your face from the other end of the arena, even though the flame is pointed away from you.

During intermission, none of the designated contestants is able to toss a Frisbee half the length of the rink into the bullseye on the back of the pickup, so it goes un-won.

"Free style" ensues, with Monster trucks leaping, smashing, squashing and spinning to wow the crowd. Excalibur seems to come closest to tagging the suspended scoreboard in the center of the rink, with a near vertical leap and a hang time of almost four seconds. That's a long time to keep 10,000 pounds of wingless fiberglass and metal airborne. "Big air," crows the announcer.

Then it's the moment all the kids have been waiting for. Lights dim as a forklift places a Ford Pinto near center ice. Something like a green Zamboni on steroids lumbers forward. Its roof splits apart, flames leap up, and just like a toy "Transformer," the thing grows and unfolds and turns into Trans-saurus--a monster dinosaur that slowly grabs the hapless Pinto in huge hydraulic pincers, lifts it high, and within several bites literally chomps it in half. Pinto bits fall to the floor as flames leap out of the monster's snout. Then it's back into the box, Jack, until the next show.

Some are now bolting for the exits, not waiting for the side-by side leaping that's the final event. I'm tired too. What was first a wonder has through constant repetition lost much of it's charm. I wonder if maybe that's not how things were even back in the heyday of the Roman Coliseum. Half of any spectacle is its novelty. And I've had my fill.

Next day, however, my wife is still happily crooning, "Vroom, vroom!"

Now I'm afraid I may have to jack up my garage.

Appeared in "The Wayne Weekly," February, 1998.

Smiths' Super Cold & Flu Soother

2008-10-09T12:00:00.000-04:00

My wife learned this recipe from her aged grandmother in the Dominican Republic. "People get colds in the Caribean?" I asked. "Oh yes," she said. "All the time." I leaned on my snow shovel and said, "Somehow that makes me feel better already!"

So, anytime you come down with cold or flu symptoms, try this deceptively simple home remedy. It may not cure anything, but it sure helps you feel better! (And what could it hurt?)

Ingredients:

[ ] Lime, 1 fresh & washed fruit [ ] Cinnamon, 3-4 sticks [ ] Cloves, 6-8 whole [ ] Honey, 3-4 or more tablespoons [ ] Water, 2 cups

Directions:

Pour the 2 cups of water into a saucepan. Cut the lime in half, squeeze the juice into the water, and then toss both halves into the water, too. Add the cinnamon sticks and whole cloves to the "tea." Boil away about half of the water, until only one cup of liquid remains. Strain the tea into a cup. Add honey to taste, to make the tea sweet. It usually takes lots of honey--don't be shy about adding more. Drink it all down while it's still hot.

TIPS: Double the recipe--you'll want more. Also, the first time around, few people will take the trouble to make this for themselves (probably because they feel so crummy). So, if possible, make it for them. They'll thank you.

BEST EVER: Pizza Crust

2008-10-08T12:00:00.000-04:00

This recipe is based on one passed along by friends Gail Irene Sutherland and Richard Woodland. Note that the specification of 3/4 cup of olive oil is not a misprint! Trust me. It is really, really good. I mean, why would you ever bother making pizza completely from scratch? Answer: because it's worth it!

Ingredients:

CRUST:

[ ] White flour, 3-1/2 cups [ ] Warm water, 1-1/4 cups [ ] "Rapid Rise" yeast, 2 packets [ ] Sugar, 1/4 teaspoon [ ] Salt, 1 teaspoon [ ] Olive oil, 3/4 cup

TOPPINGS:

[ ] Whatever you like; see suggestions, below

Directions:

Preheat oven to WARM or lowest setting.

To the warm water, add sugar and stir in yeast. Let it stand a few minutes to ensure it's working (i.e., it foams as yeast grows. If yeast is inactive, pizza will be a dud. Old yeast, water too hot or too cold will cause problems -- if it's a dud, start over).

In a large mixing bowl, add yeast mixture to flour, stir together gently.

Add salt and olive oil, stir together and then knead into dough. No need to over-knead!

Soak a dishtowel and wring it out, leaving it moist, and stretch towel to cover the opening of the bowl containing the dough.

Turn OFF oven. Put covered bowl into warm (not hot) oven for 1/2 hour.

Take bowl out of oven. Turn oven ON again to low heat.

Uncover bowl, punch down dough to remove all air. Fold a few times, punch down as necessary. Again soak dishtowel, wring, and cover bowl.

Again turn OFF oven. Put covered bowl into warm (not hot) oven for 1/2 hour.

Take bowl out of oven. Turn oven ON -- pre-heat to 400 deg. F.

Lightly coat a pizza pan or cookie sheet with olive oil.

In bowl, punch down dough, then stretch out in thin layer (approx. 1/8-1/4 inch) on pizza pan or cookie sheet.

Bake dough by itself for 15 min. @ 400 deg. F. (This prevents soggy middles if you load up your pizza with lots of yummy, juicy stuff.)

Take partially cooked dough out of oven, top with (e.g.,) commercial spaghetti sauce, sliced pre-cooked mushrooms, cheese, etc., etc. -- whatever turns you on.

Bake for approx 15 min. more, until edge of crust is golden brown. (Ovens vary -- Don't let crust, cheese or toppings burn.)

Remove from oven, let cool for a minute, slice, enjoy!

* * *

TIPS: You can use regular (slow) yeast if you want; it just takes twice as long (one hour versus half an hour) to rise. Also, once you've mastered the basics, a zillion variations are possible! E.g.,

PIZZA MEXICALI

...(as above, but also...)

Before adding yeast mixture to flour, stir into flour 1/2 cup chili powder! (Yee-ee Haw!) Top pizza with your favorite tomato sauce, more chili powder, "Bullseye" brand Bar-B-Q sauce, sliced green beans, baby corn, fresh tomato slices, black olives, shredded mozzarella + cheddar + monterey jack cheeses. (YUM! YUM! YUM!)